My oldest daughter Amy is wrapping up High School.

Here's her strengths report:

HARMONY
COMMUNICATION
DELIBERATIVE
CONSISTENCY
WOO
DEVELOPER
BELIEF
RESPONSIBILITY
ADAPTABILITY
MAXIMIZER

She loves to connect with people, be a trustworthy person, and be charismatic and charming.

She wants to make sure she's on the same page with people, but she's no pushover. She addresses issues head on when there are interpersonal conflicts. But she loves to be talk and converse and win people over. 

Recently she had an upset with a girl in her friend group where Amy struggled with this person and ultimately got cyber bullied by her. I think it was clear that Amy could not figure out how to WOO this person, nor could she create consensus with this person, nor did she like TALKING to this person, which set off her Deliberative (alarm bells) as well as her desire to be treated fairly by this person. This person violated her core values, and triggered all the other things in her report and in her life.

By the time she told us about it, Jenny Baer's mama bear energy kicked into gear and we got the cyber bullying part fixed. But the entire experience caused a rift in her friend group. 

This was a difficult situation for her and you can imagine how it could affect any teenager.

But at least we have words to say to communicate what she's feeling and how it triggers her and why it triggers her. She got through it. 

Recently we were driving home from a campout and I was really booking it down a deserted two lane highway in Utah. Amy was riding shotgun. I passed a slower car by crossing over the dotted yellow line. There was a car coming our direction in the distance. I had plenty of time, but as I approached this car, Amy's eyes were on me and my driving techniques.

I passed the car successfully and she let out her breath. I looked at her and smiled, "Did my driving just now trigger your deliberative strength?" (that's the one that wants to be careful and avoid risks). She said, "Oh my gosh, yes!" and laughed. And I laughed. And that was the extent of our conversation about my driving.

She knows I have Deliberative low and she has it high and we choose to drive safely differently. She watches for problems and hazards, while I watch for opportunities. She has High Belief like me and wants to adhere to the "right way" so she follows the rules very carefully. I use my belief to drive a certain way because I've personally seen the consequences of bad driving. But I'm a little more loose with the rules.

I'm just grateful we have a common language.

Think about how the common language of strengths can help you have conversations that you couldn't have before with people that are important to you? Just because they're different you can honor what they care about and what makes them tick. You don't have to change per se, you just get to be aware of what matters to your people.